thought.

i'm going to take more pictures.

am i willing?

.. to know the worst of myself?

i'm reeeally far behind in my one-year chronological bible. what a great book. i just wish i had the discipline to actually sit down everyday and read what they wanted me to. too hard. but tonight i read January 8th's

Job 11-14.

the sovereignty of god. am i willing to know the worst of myself?

i'll answer that.. no.

i find it incredibly easy to gloss over the harder things - the shameful things - the sin in my life and just pass things off as great. my day was great. my time with jesus is great. great. great. great. so no, i don't usually know the worst in me. Job tonight made me think.

There is a line between self-pity and self-righteousness. I've heard a lot of people talk on this. I'm usually at either extreme. Or lying to myself and not even thinking. I can do that. "you have to be thinking of sommmmmething...??" ..not me.. sometimes I can sit and let my brain and thoughts be still. it's kinda freeing- in a dulling kinda way. I feel like I sound crazy - whatever, my blog.

Job and Matthew Henry (love commentary) paint a sweet picture of the difference between us and our Holy God. "Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens - what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave - what can you do?" versus man being a vain creature, empty yet very proud - self conceited.

Praise God that I am an empty creature. That he is the only thing to fill my soul and my longings and that whatever he fulfills in me is Him and that he be the only thing I can be proud of. Praise God that we are looked upon in his grace and not by our works - because I am inevitably evil.. anyone else? Thank you God for seeing me with mercy.

Job 12.10 - In His hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind

great night. seriously.

hello blog.

it's like the blog is the friend in that cliche story you here all the time. that story that i've most heard at weddings. the one where the guy starts dating a girl and his best friends never see him again. (nothing wrong with that - just sayin') "with flowers in her hair" has been the neglected dude friend. i'm making amends..

It's a new year. It's already the middle of January! I can't believe this.. so, 12 days (happy birthday lauren kimmel) into the year and I've come to realize - I don't know anything. I don't know anything in a good way.

I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow, I don't know where I'll be in 4 years, I don't know where I'll be in 4 months. I don't know who i'll end up with, though I have hopes. I don't know politics, economy, health care ( except that PrimaCare SUCKS ), my job most the time, how to be "sweet", what Jesus says about a lot of things I claim to believe, history, or what to say in most instances.

This is a weird post - but I feel confident in my ignorance. I like where I am 12 days in. I have control issues - duh. So, it has been a trip on my heart these past couple months freaking just letting go - commanding myself to stop prediciting - stop expecting - stop planning. It's not gonna happen like I think it should - cause in the end - I know what i'm planning is gonna be totally lame to what God makes happen in my world.

so, for jan 13th on.. i'm relaxing. i'm praying. i'm getting close to my first love again. let's do this 2010!

So then, brothers and sisters, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh (for if you live accordnig to the flesh, you will die), but if by the spirit you put to death the deeds of the body you will live. For all who are led by the spirit of god are the sons of god. For you did not receive the spriit of slavery leading again to fear, but you received the spirit of adoption, by whom we cry, "abba, father." The spirit himself bears witness to our spirit that we are god's children. Romans 8:12